Co-Parenting After Divorce or Separation.

Parenting is not a competition so how do you both focus on working as a team rather than using your child or children as weapons when you part?

Co parenting after divorce can be really hard and challenging for a myriad of multi-faceted and complicated reasons and the conflict through the separation can play out in life well after the split.

So many parents ask us what the secret is to working effectively with a person who you have mentally, emotionally, physically and psychologically decided to separate yourself from, for the sake of the children. Couples who separate without children, do not have to navigate the complex and tricky path of working with someone they have decided to disconnect from and leave.

Separation, is a hard process to work through as an adult and an even harder and difficult process to fathom as a child whose life and world has been undoubtably turned upside down. The two people that children love the most, the two people who make up half of their whole self, have decided they can no longer be together as they ultimately no longer love each other enough to want to work things out.

If adults find this process traumatic and challenging to deal with, imagine what a child must feel and experience if there is persistent conflict in the parental relationship which research shows is linked to negative outcomes for children.

It is not about one parent winning or losing - there are very often are no winners especially when parents turn to the court for resolution. There should always be one clear priority: the wellbeing of your children.

Firstly, we very often say to parents that they have no 'rights' when it comes to their children and lives with and contact arrangements. Parents have legal responsibilities for their children but they have no rights. Children, however, do have rights including the right to family life and to be safe.

Good enough co-parenting starts with the right mindset. It's about how you approach your shared responsibilities, your intentions, and how you manage the day to day realities to ensure a supportive and stable environment for your children. In an effort to stay connected or feel validated, some parents fall into a cycle of competitive parenting - trying to outdo the other with gifts, leniency or emotional and psychological favouritism. While often well-intended, this behaviour can pressure children to take sides, causing lasting emotional harm and confusion. Some parents may even feel so aggrieved by a separation that they start to consciously use their children as a weapon against the other in a complex psychological process called Parental Alienation.

Instead of competing, focus on open communication and consistency with the other parent. Create a structure and routine that is child-focused and meets the child's individual needs and prioritise their emotional and psychological wellbeing at all times. By working together and avoiding rivalry or bad-mouthing the other parent, you will build a more meaningful, healthier and more supportive and non-judgmental environment for your children.

Co-parenting if not easy even when parents stay together, but it is a challenge worth embracing and staying committed to. As parents, we all have an impact on our children, their thoughts, opinions and experiences. Your children will be affected by every decision, action and conflict you as co-parents create and perhaps one day, those same children will hold you to account and responsible for what happened in their childhood. When they grow-up, will you be prepared when they ask you "Why did you do that or what were you thinking?"

Contact us to find out how we can support you to support your children during this time.